So Much For Best Layout Plans

I can’t tell you how mad I am at God. He had saved my life some 17 months ago by extending yet more mercy and grace to heal me from alcohol. I was on fire for Christ and ready to go full steam ahead, but what I didn’t realize was that God has different plans. I have spent so many decades trying to kill myself through drinking and drugging to kill the pain.

I bought new Bibles, bought spiritual books to help my faith. Started reading the Bible daily and really inspired. I thought all the pieces were going to fall into place now that I’d never felt this way before. Even though I was saved as a like 9 year old and had recommitted myself several times. This was definitely different from anything I’d ever experienced before. I prayed for God to soften my heart because life hurts, all the way through. Unless you lead a very charmed life, you’ve experienced pain from the earliest memories. I had pushed so much pain for so long that I couldn’t feel anything else but wanting it to go away no matter the cost. I had isolated myself from my family and had no friends, so pain was my hated friend. I prayed that specific prayer on the recommendation of Pastor Allen Jackson who was definitely God sent and pivotal in my recovery foundation. He gave a message on Guilt, Shame and Rejection that changed the way I was thinking and set my course to Celebrate Recovery.

Be careful what you ask for because God broke my heart and I made it possible for me to cry uncontrollably at the silliest stuff. It took me 15 months to collect my 1 year coin because I still break down trying to tell my story. The other prayer was to show me how He sees me and others. My life has changed and it really depends on the day on whether it’s a good thing.

I guess to cut to the chase, God needs me to be sanctified in order to be able to use me. I still have way too much garbage to unpack and deal with.

My story is a bit of a saga. It’s a story of HOPE that God loves the broken and can use us to reach others that are hurting and let them know that there is an answer. There are promises of a better way! I just want a community of hurting, guilty, shamed and rejected people that are willing to take the chance that there’s a better answer to life. Not a promise of an easy, problem free life, but one that builds on a mustard seed sized faith that dies to myself daily so that God can work through us. I have been through what feels like an enormous amount of trauma the last year and a half. I hope you’ll give me some time to tell my story and hopefully get to know some of you.